With children, all theory is instantly tested by practice. They are the most honest and ruthless mirrors. Here, principles are not a set of rules for them, but a language in which you speak about love, safety, and respect. It is an investment in a person who will live with this knowledge for a lifetime.
Here’s how it looks in action.
1. Main Principle: Unconditional Safety and Respect
A child must know: no matter what happens, their home is a fortress, and you are their main protector. Their dignity is inviolable.
How it works:
No public humiliation. Make remarks, reprimand, discuss problems — only in private.
Physical punishments are absolutely forbidden. It’s not just “forbidden.” It’s a cornerstone. Force is only for protection, not for upbringing.
You are always on their side in a conflict with the outside world (at school, on the street). First, understand, support, and only then, at home, you can discuss what they could have done differently.
Why it’s important: It forms in the child a core strength and basic trust in the world. They know they are loved not for grades and achievements, but simply because they exist.
2. The “Ladder” Principle: Words Before Punishment
Any conflict or misconduct goes through steps. The goal is not to punish, but to teach and restore justice.
Step 1: Calm words and finding out the reasons. “What happened? Why did you do that? What do you think it led to?”. Let them explain. Often there is their own logic or problem behind the misconduct.
Step 2: Discussing the consequences and correcting them. “Your action led to [consequence]. Now we need to fix it. How can we do that?”. Offer options: help the affected, clean up the mess, apologize.
Step 3: Restorative practice. Punishment (removal of gadgets, restrictions) is the last resort if previous steps did not work. And it should always be logically connected to the misconduct (made a mess — go clean it up; wasted time — now do homework during that time).
Why it’s important: The child learns not to fear punishment, but to understand cause-and-effect relationships and take responsibility for their choices.
3. Epistemic Humility: The Parent is Not a God
You have the right to make mistakes. Your strength is not in infallibility, but in the ability to admit your mistakes.
How it works: If you lost your temper, yelled unjustly — approach and honestly say: “Please forgive me. I was wrong. I was tired and lost my temper, but that’s no excuse. You didn’t deserve such treatment. I will try to control myself”.
Why it’s important: This teaches the child the most important thing — the art of apologizing and correcting mistakes. You show that authority is based on respect, not fear.
4. Subsidiarity: Decide at Your Level
Gradually transfer responsibility to the child for what they can do themselves.
How it works:
3-4 years: Chooses which t-shirt to wear (from two offered).
7-8 years: Does homework at the allotted time, you only check.
10-12 years: Manages their pocket money, plans small purchases.
Why it’s important: It fosters independence and self-confidence. The child learns to make decisions and take responsibility for them while the cost of mistakes is still low.
5. NVC (Nonviolent Communication) — The Family Language
Teach the child (and yourself) to talk about their feelings and needs, not to blame.
Instead of: “Stop crying!” or “You annoy me!”
Say: “I see you are very upset (Observation). You probably feel hurt and pain (Feeling). Do you want to be comforted/understood/see justice done? (Need). Let me hug you/let’s think together what to do (Request)”.
Why it’s important: You give the child an emotional vocabulary. They learn to understand themselves, manage their emotions, and convey them to others without tantrums and aggression.
6. Honesty: Truth as a Norm, Not a Feat
Create an environment where telling the truth is safe.
How it works: If a child admits to a wrongdoing, do not scold them for the truth. Say: “Thank you for telling me the truth. It’s very important to me. Now let’s deal with the consequences of the action together.”
Why it’s important: If truth is punished, the child learns to lie and evade. If truth is met with understanding and readiness to help, they will bring their problems to you, not hide them.
Key Takeaway:
Raising by principles is not about creating a perfect, convenient child. It’s about raising a whole, self-confident adult who knows how to:
Respect themselves and others.
Take responsibility for their actions.
Acknowledge and correct mistakes.
Understand and express their feelings.
Trust you and come to you with any problems.
You are building not a boss-subordinate relationship, but a deep life connection based on mutual respect. And that is the most valuable result.
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